dream: i dreamt that i was with some comrades from school, they are nice and they were nice in the dream.
we spent our time playing some detective game trying to figure out who was which role, i think i loved it so much i felt too comfortable and fell asleep on my friends shoulder, he didnt seem to mind too much but you cant ever be sure to be honest.
this girl i dont know too well seemed to want to hug me, i can only guess its because she felt pity for me or something, as we hugged it felt really nice and sweet, but everything started spinning, i felt so dizzy and scared, i told myself i would never hug again.
interperation: loving is one of the most beautiful feelings, but it scares me so much that i wont ever be able to let myself love.
dream: i dreamt of my ex, she was so sweet.
we hugged and cuddled and i felt some beautiful feeling, and then as i was about to kiss her i remembered how things really were and i woke up.
interperation: i dont know
dream: he followed me into my dreams that time, its a little ironic with the right context.
i feel the reason for the whole collapse of it all was because i tried to forget everything in an attempt to escape the situation i was in, and instead i just seemed to make it worse and ruined the best thing i had. it was all for nothing too since now not only is it all coming back to me in my dreams, but the consequences of forgetting it all is too and now im trying my best to devalue it too, it just isnt working, it isnt fucking working.
i wish none of this happened, i wish i didnt let it consume me, i just keep getting worse.
sorry wont unfuck what has been fucked, im still in a horrible fucking situation and i cant even think clearly or remember anything unless my dreams come to haunt me about it.
i just wish none of this happened
i think all hatred towards me is both reasonable but a part of me still does believe even though ive been a shitty person, its a reasonable response to this shitty enviroment. i just wish it didnt all come to this, i wish none of this ever happened.
i dont want to hurt anyone
i hope you understand?
interperation: i dont feel too well mentally and im in a bad situation, my mind will not let me escape it this time it seems.
im sorry i couldn't remember who you were to me, i really did love you, and i do everytime i remember what we did together. its just so fucking painful to remember anything when im going through times like this.
i slept it all away, i slept all of it away. a whole year turned into a month at most, a second inside of my head feels like a year of misery, meanwhile a year of my life feels like only a second.
i hope whoever is reading this is in a better spot than me, im sure theres some hope for you.
im so fucking scared
being human hurts a little too much for my taste.
to experience but not to feel.
ive been gone for such a long time, i think ive lost myself or whatever ive been.
im trying to quit any amount uf drug-use, meeting new people, trying to unbecome everything that seems to hurt about me.
i think someday maybe i'll be a likeable person, yeah? :3
i regret hurting the people i did hurt a year ago. i don't like hurting people, but now i can't understand them.. whatever they've become now im sure im partly to blame, but i don't like it..
similar to me in a way.
this is barely a dream page anymore is it, just sad ramblings.. such is alot of my projects, they devolve or evolve into something else entirely very quickly :(
it feels like everything is falling into place, like its making sense.. sure it hurts, and maybe everything is all fucked up but atleast im alive and feeling somewhat okay
we lost something in the woods that night
im not sure if we'll ever get it back
and here for some of my poems!! i know i should have posted this in the poems page, but i dont like it beeing percieved by anyone.. except those who are special.. those who have dug this page out..
a treat for the obscure
alright well
alright
i walk a long hallway with plenty of people
its really crowded here
and some of us are deeply sick
disease-ridden beings
and the hallway has two sliding doors at the end
i dont know what awaits us outside
neither do any of these guys
i see a few fire-exits on my left and right
some of them go through them
they just couldnt wait to get out of here i guess
neither can i
ive been walking here for 18 years now hoping for a cure or something
and i cant tell anymore whether im a carrier of the disease or if ive kept my hands clean
only those waiting outside would know i guess
and im thinking about just getting out of here
its so disgusting here
i see the sick infecting the most beautiful people i know
the kindest people i know
as they are torn apart by the sick
and they tear others apart after that
yet they tell me not to go out the fire-exit
for no reason other than we dont know whats out there (it cant be much worse than this though, right..?)
or as to not leave them alone in here
with all these sick, sick people
but i want to get out
i need to get out
i cant breathe in here
and it hurts seeing my friends get ripped apart like that
i dont want to be next
but.. most of all i dont want to be the one ripping them apart
so i say my goodbyes, condolences and pay my debts
before i walk out that fire-exit
and im so sorry for leaving you here
i really am
but maybe we'll meet when you get out those sliding doors at the end
or if you're as sick of this place as i am
maybe you can meet me outside
the fire-exit
and so we do it to them young
when their vocabulary isnt developed enough to explain it
and the times when they do
it could be chalked up to just being the imagination of a child
and it makes them sick
to think that they could even have imagined that
and they get sicker and sicker from it
as it eats them alive
and theyll want to forget about it
the whole ordeal
and they will
the memory of it fades
even the memory of explaining it
and when they do realize
im already gone
and so are they